New Beginnings

I'm so ready to go. I flushed my razors. Robert has really helped me through a lot in a short amount of time. Everyone should have someone care for them, like he does for me.  Good thing he'll never see this (lawl). This week will be my last week before I move. Hope it's a good one.  

#LoveWins

Hey! Long time no see. So a couple updates. first on the list; GAY MARRIAGE IS LEGAL IN ALL 50 STATES!!!!!! It's about time America stopped being such HOMOPHOBES! There's still tons of work to be done but this is a great improvement and accomplishment. Second on the agenda, WARPED TOUR IS 12 DAYS AWAY!!!!!! I am SO excited it's all I can think about. I'm so ready to go meet all my favorite people in the entire world. Next, I got tapers and plugs so that after warped I can start stretching my ears! I'm so ready for this and I can't wait to start. We're waiting until after warped tour in case something goes wrong. I don't wanna be at warped with a blowout (lawl). Another update; I'M GOING TO SEE LILY SINGH A.K.A IISUPERWOMANII LIVE ON THE SATURDAY AFTER WARPED!!!! It's gonna be really cool to see her perform live. I'm wondering how it's gonna go because she's a youtuber. What, do they do their skits in person? Or is it like a standup type thing? Either way i'm going to love it a ton. LAST BUT NOT LEAST, I'm typing this all up from my new computer. Yeah, I have one of those now. It's a Chromebook and it's pretty and I love it a ton. Everybody says that it gets better, and I guess it does. We'll see how things go when college starts though. 

Cellar door- Escape The Fate

I'm so tired but I keep having little nightmare I can barely wake out of. My body is killing me, my brain is scaring me. My heart is breaking me, and everyone's laughing. I'm so stressed. I thought it would all end after school, but I forgot that it's deeper than that, school just helped push it. I forgot just how screwed in the head I really am.

It Never Ends-Bring Me The Horizon

Well, this is it. The last blog(aahhhh lol no). This was fun, a lot of fun. This thing helped me get out a lot of feelings I trapped inside of me. I'm glad to be out of school. Fairmont Heights has taught me a lot. I've made some really good friends, met some really mean people, and had some really good times. Overall, the whole school experience from Kindergarten to 12 grade was something everyone should go through. I just hope everyone gets to experience it with the same people. I don't think this is my last blog forever. I really need a place like this to vent and just express myself. I'll probably come back pm here fro time to time. As for my senior year, I'm glad its over, I don't wanna relive it, and I can't wait for new beginnings. Next comes prom, and graduation. Then warped tour!! After that, I have orientation at Mary Baldwin and then school starts again, but in a whole new way. I'm gonna miss the whole school thing, but I'm ready for the real world. I just hope its ready for me
..

The sun that never sets- Our Last Night

Today was okay. Got my sign out papers today. It all seems so real. Tomorrow will be my last day at a mandatory school for life. This is awesome. It's Elizabeth's birthday tomorrow. She wants balloons, I'll try. I can't wait for tomorrow.

Time to break up- All Time Low

Yesterday was much better day than Monday. This week is going by so slow though !! I just want this week to be over so I can be done with school and this whole part of life.

Ravine- Never Let This Go

My last Monday of mandatory school. What a bad day. Its keeping up with its reputation of bad Mondays haha! Eh, doesn't bother me that much considering this is the last one. I'm looking forward to the end of school. I have one more final to take tomorrow and I'm done. Yay me!

Ravine- Never Let This Go

My last Monday of mandatory school. What a bad day. Its keeping up with its reputation of bad Mondays haha! Eh, doesn't bother me that much considering this is the last one. I'm looking forward to the end of school. I have one more final to take tomorrow and I'm done. Yay me!

You're so creepy- Ghost Town

Today was okay. Took two finals. All I have Left is English finals, whatever that will be. I GET OUT OF SCHOOL IN LESS THAN A WEEK !! YAYEE!! I am super excited. Its been super hot these past week, and it will continue into the next week. I don't mind it. I've met some new internet friends. They are really nice.

Fall Together- Austin Jones

The other day my friend told me that he said something to King. I was just thinking about it. What he said made me smile. Whether or not I agree with what he said, or if I think it was nice, is another thing. I don't really care for that. I really underestimate the amount of people that care for me here. After all I've been through since I got here, after everything that's happened, all that's led me to this point right now, he still wants to be around me. I think nobody cares for me, when a lot of people here do. I have some amazing people, amazing friends, who chose to stick by my side when everyone else turned away from me. I didn't know until yesterday that I had so much support. I never thought that anyone would do what he did for me. It really made me feel loved. It made me feel wanted. For once in my life, I TRULY feel like I belong. I wouldn't trade these people for the world. ♥

Ode To Sleep- Twenty One Pilots

Omg I hate my body. Today was really fun. I have more finals to do ! I'm just ready to go.

Same Old War- Our Last Night

So I might've missed a few days. Sorry!! I honestly have been so wiped that I forgot to blog. These past couple days have been busy. Making sure work is done, preparing for Warped Tour, yada yada. BUT THESE ARE MY LAST TWO WEEKS OF SCHOOL !! I have finals and then this girl is done ! It seems so simple that I might fail. I WILL NOT! I will pass and be awesome. Today was Star Wars Day !!! Ya know, May the Fourth be with you?? He HE!?!?? Yeah I got the same reaction from everyone else. Made me feel like a total nerd! I'm the only one who cared! Meanwhile my interweb friends went to school and their science teachers celebrated it ! If only Mr. Elwani was still here, he'd celebrate with me. Well, I gotta catch some Z's. So once again, may the fourth be with you.

Stage 4 the fear of trying: FrankIero Andthe Cellabration

Today was fun. School was cool. After I got home I chilled and then got on YouNow. Not to watch, but to broadcast! Yep!! Little old scared "never put me in front of a camera" self actually got on YouNow and put her face online LIVE and talked to people. I met this guy named Alex who lives in Germany. He was really cool. After that I picked out some things off Hot Topic for my dad to buy me. Later on I watched Eugenia, a.k.a my best friend and and anime cosplayer( I wish she's a YouTuber but we talk on Twitter a lot) broadcast on YouNow while playing Akinator. He couldn't guess what I was thinking of. It was Patrick Stump from Fall Out Boy. After that I got bored so I went on Omegle. Believe it or not I only saw four penises! Haha yeah seeing any penises isn't good, but considering its Omegle, that's a good number. Now I think I'm gonna stay up all night long and just watch movies and stuff. Maybe I'll get back on YouNow. Have a fun weekend !

Hold On 'Til May- Pierce The Veil

That title never meant more to me than it does right now. Today was a good day. I might be on Grandma watch tomorrow so school may or may not happen tomorrow(I find out tonight). I kind of hope I can stay home, that'll be nice. I think I had an existential crisis today. I was watching a YouTuber and all his videos, and i started thinking about life. I'm supposed to go to college, and then work myself to death? I don't want that. I have dreams and aspirations. Places I've wanted to go, things I've wanted to see. So I decided to take a year or two off after college(I do want that degree haha) to travel the world like I've always wanted I'll document the whole thing for myself and other. I want people like me to be able to do what they want and stop caring about how it'll make others feel. Its time we start doing some things for ourselves as well as others. Yhas all for tonight, sleep well cx

Pressure- The 1975

Today was cool. I fell asleep in class and nobody woke me up when it was lunch time so I was late for lunch with Briana. I'm almost don't with my paper, just gotta wrap it up and edit it. I'm either gonna get a relatively good grade or a super bad grade. I mean, I'm following what I was supposed to do, but in a different way. Hopefully it passes the criteria because if I fail this I don't think I'll graduate. If that happens I'll cry and get my GED, I'm not joking. I was going to say something but my ad made me do something and now I forgot so I'm just gonna end it here. Have wonderful nightmares cx

Dont Go- Bring Me The Horizon

BRIANA'S MOM IS LETTING HER COME TO WARPED TOUR WITH US!! I'm so excited like that place is not ready for all the fangirling that will happen from just the two of us !! Today was pretty good. It went normal like any other normal day. Sometimes I see things that certain people do and it makes me laugh. Like I was really upset about that??? I need to reevaluate my life choices haha!! Just kidding, but honestly, I saw something today that made me laugh. It just made me think: That's what I'm not, and I'm damn proud of that! I don't twerk, I mosh. I'm not popular, but my friends aren't fake. I'm "weird", but I'm gonna be the one to make it in life and get everything she wants while you sit in your little house twerking on Saturdays and "praying" on Sundays. At least I'm honest with myself and respect myself and I'm appearance to the people who matter. ANYWHO BECAUSE I DID NOT MEAN TO TAKE IT THERE WITH THAT LONG ASS RUN ON SENTENCE, I'm counting down the days until graduation and warped tour. I have no clue what I'm gonna do after all the fun stuff. We'll see. Welp, that's all folks!

Hallelujah-Panic! At The Disco

P!ATD dropped a new single 'Hallelujah' today and it's SO GOOD ! So you know how I've been super excited for Warped Tour?? Well now I'm freaking the freak out about it. I just want everything to go perfectly, but unfortunately that doesn't run in my family. Something bad ALWAYS HAPPENS TO US and I just want nothing to happen. I want everything to go as smooth as possible that entire week. Speaking of nervous, I'm going prom dress shopping soon and I'm nervous about the whole trying on dresses thing. They can't see my scars or there gonna flip out. Ugh what to do. I'll figure it out, I always do. We get so many problems, so we have tons of solutions. �� I'm guessing you didn't see that emoji so its a thumbs up haha. Well that ends this segment of 'What am I doing with my life, when does the concert start?' Toon in tomorrow for tips on how to make a fool of yourself in front of your idols and heros !!!

Somewhere in Neverland- All Time Low

WARPED TOUR WARPED TOUR WARPED TOUR WARPED TOUR WARPED TOUR !!!!!!!!! Sorry, just had to get that out. I'M SO FRIGGING EXCITED FOR WARPED TOUR OH MY GERARD !!! In OTHER NEWS I'm volunteering at an animal shelter tomorrow and I'm super happy for that. I love animals that aren't bugs haha. I hope they let me take pictures with the animals to put on Instagram for my followers and interweb friends. I can't wait for July. WARPED TOUR !!!

Deathbreath- Bring Me The Horizon

My grandma is staying with us for a while !! Yay??? My entire life is going to be filtered now. I can't kill her with my "satanic death music" haha. It should be fun, she's a nice person. Today was cool. It went by so fast, as did this week. I don't even remember Monday. 27 days until graduation. I'm so excited. I need to get these people to sign these community service paper though, mama needs to graduate. I just called myself mama... I am so sorry you had to see that. I'm gonna go now so I hope everyone that reads this has a bandtastic night CX

The End of Heartache-Killswitch Engaged

Today was fun. It was Oscar's birthday. I was asked if I wanted a graduation party and Keith made me say yeah so that's happening now. Also, I'm trying to et my ad to come to Warped Tour with us and go to all the band tents telling what he thinks if them and their music. It'll be hilarious and every fan will want to jump him. haha I really hope he comes. Them hell see me in my real body;my fangirl body. DUN DUN DUUUUNNNN !!! I actually do show it a lot around the house, like when he was naming the list of artists and bands performing this year. My eye was not very makeup cooperative today either. I gotta go to sleep now because my drugs are wearing off and my eye is starting to itch. Good Night !!

Bury Me- 30 Seconds To Mars

Today was a bad day face wise. The pollen was kicking my ass. Other than that my day was good. I started to catch up on My YouTube videos today. I think I'm gonna finish up my essay tomorrow. I have so Much work to do, but then again I don't. Rest In Peace Mitch Lucker. I have no clue why I said that, but I just was thinking of him and decided to type that. We emailed Oxon Hill about that unknown book they say I owe money for today, hopefully they won't force me to pay $50 for it. I hope the weather tomorrow is better, I want to wear makeup. I listen to these kids talk about why people or teachers don't like them and I just think to myself, have you heard the things you say? Have you seen the things you've done? DO YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE? But I don't say anything because that'll just lead to a fight and I don't really want to get into any fights. Welp, this piece of peanut brittle needs to get some sleep so I will talk more tomorrow.

Old Scars/Future Hearts- All Time Low

Fast paced day today. Got a schedule of things I need to do this week and next week. I'm so excited that its so close to the end of the school year. I can't wait. Everyday someone reminds me of how young I look, boo. I'm still pretty though. Everyone always calls me pretty, never beautiful. I'm just a pretty, cute 15 looking 18 year old who's going to an all girl college. Everyone keeps asking me not to come back a lesbian. Who says I'm not already?? Haha I'm just kidding. I mean, I did have that thing with Ricki that one time but I wasn't really into it like I probably should've been so I'm pretty sure I'm not homosexual. I love homosexual people, they're so confident and outgoing. They have to be heh. I love ALL LGBT people ! I don't really know how I got to this topic but I'm gonna leave it now. This school year went faster than I thought it would. Good things happened, bad things happened. Horrible things resurfaced/intensified, but so did awesome things. I'm just ready for a new start. Well, I got that horrid thing called school tomorrow and an 8% charge on my phone so goodnight and GodSpeed.

In The End-Black Veil Brides

I just haven't been doing these all week have I? HA! Well I'll have to make up for them.

Car radio- Twenty one pilots

So Google has finally fucked up on me and I can't continue my paper. I don't want to start over I've done so much already. This is the first time Google has ever screwed me over, and it just so happens to be on the most important thing for me. I sent them emails and complaints and hopefully they will fix this immediately. Today was nice. My moms house is cool. I like sitting on the steps in front. The weather is amazing,even though spring time kills me. I envy people without allergies. Since her boyfriends kids are gone now, we'll get to do things like laser tag and other stuff they couldn't do. Other "grown up" stuff(lawl).

Girl That You Love- Panic At The Disco

Sometimes it's okay to be anything other than happy. The other emotions are there for a reason. Gotta wedding tomorrow. Almost typed up funeral, isn't that sad? The wedding is for a lady that I thought was never single. I was told her husband was still in the military. I guess not. At least she's happy now.

Return The Favour- All Time Low

I stayed home today. It was very nice. I'm gonna miss these people when I'm gone; my family, that Is. We may be cursed assholes, but we do help each other out. Yes, I said cursed. If you believe in witches and warlocks and magic, and even God, then you'll believe me. but, seeing as you probably won't, I'm not telling a thing. Not yet anyways. But I'll say this: God is real, but I think he's a hypocritical, selfish prick who only cares about self glorification and power. He's not alone out there. There are others like him, he just doesn't want us to know. because then we won't need him. He'll be weak, and we'll all see it. Well I already see it, and I'm not the only one.

Caraphernalia- Pierce The Veil

Great day, not so great night. I'd tell you about but I don't want to.

Caraphernalia

Great day, not so great night. I'd tell you about but I don't want to.

Right Now(Na Na Na)- Asking Alexandria

I really need to stop telling everything in here. I forget that this isn't some safe haven that can "help me". That someone reads this that can tell people. I can't open up. I have to keep everything the way it was before all this. Before he taught me to talk about things, because we can see where that got me. I just have to be quiet like before. I have to remember that I'm not supposed to be here. I'm here for nothing. Just stick it out for a little longer and I'll have no one to hide from, because I'll be alone then. Then everything will be fine.

Kids In The Dark- All Time Low

I played basketball with my family yesterday, almost killed me. No I mean this literally. I don't know what made it do this, but while I was playing my tonsil had swollen up so big it was touching the other side of my throat and I couldn't breathe. They finally agreed to get them removed after Spring Break. Praise Gerard. Needless to say i was very sore today. I made myself a schedule of things to do after I came home from school, and things went pretty efficiently. I ended up being 90 minutes ahead of time because we're going shopping tomorrow not today, but it is better for me to have a schedule; makes things less hectic. I went to the gym today. That was fun. I'm gonna take advantage of the time and get some sleep so that maybe I won't be tired when I wake up for once ! So here ya go: "Well I never thought you'd stay, but that's okay. I hope he takes your filthy heart and then he throws you away some day"
~SWS

Days Clean: 21 !!!!!!!!! I'm so proud of me =^__^=

I don't love you, like i loved you yesterday- My Chemical Romance

So I have court tomorrow. Yay. I'm not saying anything I have freedom of speech; that includes the freedom to say NOTHING AT ALL. We're all over it so they should get over it too. He served his time, now let him go. Today was nice. I saw Miss Marissa today. I told her about all this college attention I'm not liking. She was on everyone else's side, she just wouldn't say it. I missed not seeing Briana today for lunch. I'll be alright. I called Ricki; he deleted my number. That hurts a lot, but i think that's my fault  i mean, i did kiss the dude and then realize that I'm not into trans'. I'm really sorry that it took me playing with your emotions to figure that out. Especially since we're such great friends. After he asked who it was cuz the number wasn't saved, i said it was me and hung up. Like, that really hurt. Are we not friends anymore?? What the heck did I just inadvertently ruin? UGH I HATE MYSELF. I hope this gets figured out and ends with us being friends still. Anywho I have to get up at like 5:30 so here ya go:
"How did we get here, when I used to know you so well? I think I know."
~Paramore

Days Clean: 17!?!? I'm stepping up. Keri is almost two months clean!!! Im so proud. =^__^=

The Phoenix- Fall Out Boy

I am so stressed out. I swear I'm going to have three new gray hairs by the time i graduate. I wish everyone would just shut up about college, it's really getting on my nerves. I'll be most excited about going to college so that they can finally shut up about it(lawl). Honestly, the only time I get to relax and just breathe is when I go to sleep, and I don't even get much of that! Ugh I just wish my life would end already. IN OTHER NEWS, ZAYN LEFT ONE DIRECTION!!! Oh, how I cry. This new really sucks but he just wants to be a normal 20-year old guy. I can understand that. The thing HE doesn't understand is that he's part of One Direction, he won't get to be regular for another 10 years. He might as well just stay in the group. It doesn't really matter, their 5-year contract is up this July. I'm sure they'll sign again, but still.  But they're these girls who are "cutting for Zayn" thinking it'll bring him back to the group. This pisses me off. There are people with real fucked up problems and emotional issues. First off, all he wants is to be one of us, just let the boy be happy. Second of all, you really think that cutting will bring him back? Honestly it's just going to make him upset and disappointed in you guys. It is NOT that serious. It's his life. Yes, it sucks. It sucks a lot. But it's his life so let him live it. Don't try to hurt yourself to get him to rejoin. We didn't cut for The.......MCR thing(so unspeakable) or for Mitch's death(R.I.P). Or when all those people left Panic! At The Disco and Paramore. Or when Danny left Asking Alexandria. See? We're considered the "crazy and mentality unstable people", but honestly we're the sanest people out here. Crazy Fandoms man. Welp, This girl needs her "beauty sleep" so lets end it like this: "Do you see what we've done? We're gonna make such fools of ourselves."
~Paramore

Days Clean: 16 =^__^=

You Know What They Do To Guys Like Us In Prison- My Chemical Romance

I was in the shower, and I had this while fantasy moment where Bob Bryar from MCR was my real estate agent. But that'll never happen, we live in the wrong state. Today was cool. I wasted an entire class period looking at Ronnie Radke's Instagram account. It was worth it. This ten pager is coming along well. I realized that in a way I do connect with them. In a very twisted way. My allergies are kicking my ass this spring. Pills are my best friend! This whole college thing is kind of pissing me off. Everyone cares too much. Like, please calm the fuck down you're freaking me out here. Anywho I'm tired and my phone's on 14% . that's almost death row. It's the little walk you take to death row. Or is the actual walk what they call death row? OKAY. THIS IS DEATH ROW. THE ACTUAL CUTTING THEIR HEADS OFF OR ELECTROCUTING THEM IS WHEN MY PHONE'S ON 4% !!! wtf who even cares?? (Lawl) I care about the craziest things. OH WAIT! I HAD VEGAN PEANUT BUTTER TODAY!! It was weird and milky and you have to refrigerate it. Crazy people eh? I ate some with a sandwich and it was alright. Didn't taste like regular peanut butter, but it wasn't bad. OKAY NOW I GO! BUT FIRST ...... ..... .... I leave you with this: "I've been having this dream that we could fly. So maybe if we never wake up we can see the sky."
~PTV

Days Clean: 15 ... Let's get past it this time huh??

Mama- My Chemical Romance

So all the shit I wrote deleted and I don't feel like rewriting it. Ugh so frustrating ! I REALLY need to just pass the fuck out. Goodnight.

Days Clean: 14

Fashionably late- Falling In Reverse

I hit, the fucking jackpot.

The school is in a very rural, horror movie type place. It's awesome for Halloween. The whole thing was cool. A little overwhelming, but cool. Now for the best part. I met the one. Thee one. So her name is Tia and she lives in Newport news. She had a PTV jacket(the one my friend Rolando has) and I wore my My Chem shirt. We were in different tour groups so I thought we wouldn't get to talk. But when we all went to hear the gateway(you'll learn about that later) people talk, I sat behind her. My dad, that awesome asshole, got me to talk about PTV aloud by saying that Vic sings like a girl. She turned around, complimented my shirt, and I her jacket. The rest is history. Wonderful, wonderful history. At lunch we met back up and talked more. She loves pretty much everything I do. Vinyl, photography, bands(of course), but she likes people like Frank Sinatra. It's hard to find a kid that's into Sinatra like me. When we both found out we were going here and could request to be roommates, we jumped on it. Even during the roommate questionnaire, we had all the same questions. It was magic. She's like the same person! Just white(lawl). So she's my roommate and we signed up for some of the same clubs and classes. That was the one thing I was worried about. Finding someone I could relate to and actually get along with as a roommate. Gerard sent her to me. No God please, we're still fighting right now. We exchanged information obviously so we could get even more acquainted. I'm nervous about my scars though. She doesn't look like a cutter, but then again no one knows about me. So yeah, that was the jackpot I won. I'm so happy for that. So I am officially a college student. I'm a squirrel. That's funny. Gladys the fighting squirrel? I'm gonna get used to that. Lots of hills that place has. But I need the exercise to be truthful. Well, let me get some sleep, I've got volunteering to do. Let's leave on this note: my love for you was bulletproof but you're the one who shot me.
~PTV

Days Clean: 11 =^__^=

Sleep- You Me At Six

Today was good. This has to be short because I have to get up at 4 for the college thing. Tiny Road trip ahead. Anywho my tonsil is inflamed some more because of my sinus problems with my throat and stuff(it just makes the tonsil situation worse). I had some tea today and I'll have some tomorrow morning because this morning I couldn't talk until I drank it. Then my tonsil went down some and I could talk. They should really not be lackadaisical about this and get my tonsils removed. I'm getting kind of annoyed at how excited everyone is about me going to college. Like okay I get it i have free money whoop deedoo now leave me alone please? I sound like an ass but it's how I feel. Anywho I'm going to bed now so I'll leave you with this: Too much of anything is too much.
-ATL

Days Clean: 10

Feels like forever- Of Mice And Men

Today was okay. I saw Marissa today. I realized that I don't know if she is married or not. Eh. While everyone was watching the Empire show, I was busy tweeting Austin Jones every other second. He's a great YouTuber and vocalist. I didn't eat dinner tonight or last night and I feel great. Finally my body is doing something I approve of. All I ate today was two sandwiches. I drank tons of water. That's the plan, drink so much you don't want to eat. It's also good for my body to drink all this water. Cleans out my kidneys and stuff. See, I am being healthy. Tomorrow is the last day of school for the week for me. I'm going to college acceptance preview day on Friday. I'm excited to see how it works. College, that is. It is also the last day of winter tomorrow. YAY! But there's been some speculation of snow on Friday. It better not snow. Anywho I took a pill that's making me drowsy so I'm gonna sign off on this note: If we're all made a little but broken, tell me who's to blame?

-OMaM

Days Clean: 9 =^__^=

November-Sleeping With Sirens

I'm such a gullible fuckboy. Field Trip was good. I took pictures for my friend in Minnesota. She was all excited and I'm like "umm, its not a big deal.". I often forget that people not in the DMV area don't get to see that stuff often. I did see a lion head that was really cool for some reason. That's the only picture I took for me. I felt so uncomfortable all dressed up in front of these kids. I paid off my senior dues. Now I just gotta pay that library shit. I hate myself. On a brighter note, MADNESS CAME OUT TODAY !!! OH MY GERARD THIS ALBUM IS AMAZING!! Sleeping with Sirens has really outdone themselves. I am totally, completely, in love with this album. Now we're waiting on Pierce The Veil to release this MYSTERY ALBUM !!!

Days Clean:  8

Broken Generation- Of Mice and Men

Field Trip tomorrow, whoop deedoo. Today was nice. I didn't do shit. I felt like shit, but I didn't do shit, or give a shit. I'll make up for it later I guess. That's what I'm supposed to do right? Lawl. Anywho I have no clue what I'm wearing to this thing. I've been to the supreme court before, so I really don't want to go on this trip. But i get out of school so eh, why not? I "have to" dress up. I am NOT wearing a dress in front of all these people. I'll just wear my new black skirt and a shirt or some shit. Who cares anyways? I know I don't. I wanted to see Justin tomorrow instead the trip, but he's working and I love that. I don't want to see anyone else honestly, so it looks like I'm going. Yay. King will be there I think. He should. Eh. He said hi to me last week and I said hello back. I guess we're cool now. It'll never be the same though. I'm completely fine with that. Briana always knows when I'm not happy. She's a true friend. She always says "call me before you do ANYTHING DRASTIC okay beautiful?" When we go to class after lunch. She's a great person. It was my friend Lauren's birthday today. She turned 20. She was going to have a party but all her friends cancelled on her. They didn't even tell her happy birthday. They aren't friends to me. If I lived near her, I definitely would've been there. She made a vegan cake because one of her friends are vegan and everything. They are so careless. She was really hurt but she hid it. Well, tried to anyways. She can't hide anything from me. When I can, I'm gonna see her. I'll show her what a true friend does.

Days Clean:7

This is under the table

I never get a break. No one cares about me. Im just the fucking maid. And of course, the golden child. Perfect grades, perfect attitude, responsible. The perfect example of what NOT to do. Happiness is never an option for me. It's just get the grades, smile, and behave. If little old me EVER fucks up, I'm dumb. I'm wasting my life away. I try one time and I'm just little stupid whore. I might've had a little to drink. I'm surprised they cant smell it. My mouth reeks of alcohol and Hawaiian Punch. Maybe they do smell it, and don't care. I'm going to be happy one day. I'm going to "fuck up" real soon. I'll get my chance to escape and get my break in life. I just don't care anymore honestly. School, people, life. I just want what everyone else in this house gets. An opinion. A feeling. Everyone else gets to be happy but me. My job is to make others happy,but never be happy myself. Well not anymore. I'm taking back what's mine.

This is Gospel- Panic! At The Disco

This whole "allergic to dust" thing does not help me when it comes to cleaning up. Today was an okay day. I've become friends with the cutest little gay boy ever. He's 16 and his name is Jose. He's so much fun. Today was definitely a P!ATD day. Tomorrow is Pi Day !!! Im so excited. My favourite days of the year is my birthday, May 4(may the fourth be with you lol), national code day, and Pi day. Oh my Gerard I am such a nerd. Eh, who cares? I hope I get pie tomorrow.

Days Clean: 5

Joyriding- Frnkiero Andthe Cellabration

Today was a pretty good day. I had the best sleep of my life last night. I got to talk to Justin today. I miss him alot. He's like a brother to me. He asked me how I was, and after him knowing me well enough to know when I'm lying, I told him everything. Everything. He's the only person who know every little thing that's going on. No friends know, not Ms. Marissa, not anyone here. No one but him. First Generation College Bound has a field trip Tuesday, but I'm thinking of skipping it and just hanging out with Justin since he lives closer now. I deserve a day off. I never get to breathe. I don't get an option to just relax and escape. I need it. If no one will give it to me, I'll take it.

Days Clean: 4

P.S

I'll be fine these never do anything bad. Just hard to walk is all.

Moonlight Sonata movement 3- Ludwig van Beethoven

Im not feeling too happy tonight. Don't know why. Took some pills. Just pain pills, all i could find. I took three of one and one of another because that one was running low and people would notice. Im sleepy now. Good thing I don't have a lot to clean. I ate a third of my dinner, to kick it in. So yeah I'm gonna go now, because im feeling funny and yeah. G'night.

Days clean: 3 ....... Pills don't count do they??

Free Now- Sleeping with Sirens

Pretty good day. We went shopping for groceries, i found out my grandfather has a Facebook (lawl), i got ICE CREAM, and I'm in bed at a semi reasonable time. I smell something fishy for tomorrow though. Hopefully it's nothing. Sometimes (by which I mean ALL THE TIME) I feel like I was born at the wrong time. If I were four years older, I would fit in. four years younger, I'd fit in. But where I am NOW, it's like I'm just this crazy person no one can relate to and they don't like. I like me, and that's all that matters. =^__^=

Days Clean:2 I'm gonna do it this time.

Hello Hello- Paramore

Oh my Gerard. I'm just sitting here in class reading all my old blogs. I was such a teenager(lawl). I guess that whole King thing did suck. But what do you expect when someone who constantly feels alone finally found somebody that got her to feel like she belonged somewhere, and then that person just insults you and leaves? That'll hurt anyone at any age. I was laughing at myself though. I made it seem WAY MORE serious and bad than it actually was. Drama queen. That's Disney's fault. And i totally forgot about those shoes i wanted to get him. That actually worked out for me, just didn't know it yet. Another thing, OMFF THE TYPOS!!! I really need to proofread my shit ! I'll learn one day. I hate my hair now. When i was younger and it was longer, i used to put it over my eye. I was so punk rock back then. Now I'm just punk. I miss my long hair. It wasn't that long, just to my shoulder. But I did more with it then. Plus, i like covering my face with my hair and I can't do that now. Boo. I've been thinking of adding some piercings to the list of piercings I'm planning on getting. Poor church folk won't recognize who I am when I finish myself. I want two tattoos, pierce my entire ear and plug the ones i have now, get a nose ring, a lip ring but i might upgrade that to snake bites, my eyebrow, and i think that's it. Yesterday i was walking with my mom and she told me about all the piercings she had. She was sooo punk rock and didn't even know it. She had piercings in her nails! I mean, who does that!? She's cool. Lawl =^__^=

Give 'em hell kid-My Chemical Romance

So I watched the MCR documentary and then listened to the album 'Three Cheers for Sweet Revenge' immediately afterwards. Fucking mind blowing. I felt like i was in their heads. I felt what they had felt. I experienced this album in a whole new light. It's so weird. Watching something I've watched before, and listening to something i have listened to before, they make me feel one way separate, but TOGETHER, man. And I tell you something..................Gerard Way. He has been through a lot. I'm just so proud of him for making it out alive and well. I'm also happy that everything happened at an early stage of the My Chem life. If he had went through all the drugs and alcohol in, lets say, 2008 instead of '04, it would've probably ruined the band, or made it harder for them. But he was able to tell himself that he was NOT OKAY,and get help. I look up to him because he was such a great guy AND STILL IS TO THIS DAY. I know that he wasn't the only one to go through things, but right now, he's touching my heart in a very inspiring way. It makes me want help. He makes me realize that I can't do this alone. People always say that this music kills kids, but it has done just the opposite. The other day I was about to drown myself and in the water, over all the muffled sounds, i hear Oliver Sykes sing my favourite line: I can't drown my demons they know how to swim. It's like he was literally there staring me down saying "Kareema, killing yourself won't make the voices go away, it's letting them win". I'm still here because of Bring Me The Horizon . I have hope because of Pierce The Veil. My Chemical Romance helps me see that I don't have to do this alone. Sleeping With Sirens gets me to say Fuck the world and their "perfect" view of how things should be. They aren't the only bands who've been there. They were all there when I had no one to turn to. So people who say that bands kill kids, they don't know shit. Real bands save fans, and real fans save bands.

Days clean: 1. Had an incident yesterday. And the day before. Sorry.

OH MY GOD

NO ONE ELSE IS UP RIGHT NOW SO I'LL JUST DO IT HERE.

OH MY GOD OH MY GOD OH MY GOD OH MY GOD OH MY GOD OH MY GOD !!!!!!! JOHNNIE GUILBERT FROM MY DIGITAL ESCAPE JUST COMMENTED TO ME! LITTLE OLD ME!!! OH MY FUCKING GOD I CANNOT BELIEVE THIS SHIT OH MY GOD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ME MY COMMENT HE CHOSE TO ANSWER TO OH MY GOD THIS IS UNREAL WHAT IS GOING ON RIGHT NOW!!!!!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Our Lawyer Made Us Change the name of This Song So We Wouldn't Get Sued-Fall Out Boy

I love the name of that song. Chill day today, watched vines. I feel so old because these kids out here are doing things I'm not updated on. I don't even care either. It's the end of that for me. Lawl. I did my nail FINALLY. Red. My black is sticky.

Days Clean: 3 nicka !!!

Remembering Sunday- All Time Low

I. DO. NOT. WANT.TO.GO.TO.PROM.

Days Clean: 2 *enter interrobang here*

Fences- Paramore

Apparently this whole "getting to bed on time" thing was a onetime deal. Today was okie I guess. I still have no clue on writing this thesis. None of these stories characters compare or relate to me. The only one that comes close is The Count of Monte Cristo, and that's because he does the things I think of but would never do. This paper will be complete bull shit. Let's hope I am a good enough writer to make it believable. Who knows, maybe I will actually find a way I connect to one of them. So no school tomorrow(today). If it doesn't snow I'm gonna laugh. I think it will though. Sometimes I act mature and responsible and my sisters don't like me. At first I used to be sad about that because then they wouldn't want to talk to me, but now I don't care. I'm supposed to help them stay on the right path and sometimes I have to be "mean". You'll thank me later. It doesn't help my abandonment issues though. Lawl. I often wonder how my.. Problems.. Will go in college. Will I be extra clingy (Gerard forbid)? All I know is that wherever I go, I'm going to have the time of my life, without making huge life choices that end badly. Only the good life choices.

Days Clean: 1 starting over again.

Disenchanted- My Chemical Romance

Omg I'm ACTUALLY in bed at a reasonable time !! Today was a pretty good day I guess. Despite the fact that girl things happened and I was not medicated at all in anyway, shape, or form(boo pain). I was pretty bored so I watched My Chemical Romance's "The Black Parade is Dead! Live" concert video again for the thousandth time. It's still amazing. Gerard Way is by far the sassiest person I will ever know. Maybe one day I'll meet him, and Frank, Ray and Mikey. I can promise you that I will be at their first reunion tour, no matter what. Saw my therapist today. It was nice. I really wish that I could tell her things like when I cut last night, but she said she'll tell my parents, and that's the last thing I need. At least she knows that I have cut. When we were talking, i put my elbow on my thigh and forgot about the new scars. It hurt like hell and I accidentally said "ow can't do that." Out loud, and then she gave this look. She's no idiot so I'm pretty sure she picked that up. Shoot. She shouldn't say anything. Besides, I never said it out my mouth so yeah. I have a subpoena to go to Alex's court case on the 27th to testify(I'm the only eye witness). If i go he might go to prison, and he doesn't need that. But on the other hand, if i don't show up i could arrested and lose my scholarship. I definitely don't need that. Ugh life. Dad says he isn't going(he got one too) but his final decision is on that morning. Ruth(also got one) says she going because if she gets a warrant she'll lose her government job. They said I'm old enough to make my own decision. Ugh LIFE!!!! Unicorns help me with your infinite powers!!

Days Clean: 0 ��

Lost it all- Black Veil Brides

I can hear him. I hear my dad calling me from there. He's trying to get me out of here. Out of hell, but they're pulling me. They won't let me go. I'm in too deep, there's only one way out, and that's not it.

Days Clean: 0

Beliefs- We Came As Romans

I got waffles!!!! I got waffles this morning and it was great. It was a Belgium one, and i loved every second. I was thinking earlier, thus is all for class. When i graduate, this is over. I'm not sure i wanna stop so ng these. They help, in a way. I feel like i don't know who i am anymore. Ever since I've stopped cutting, I've gotten sadder. Crazay! NOT. Anywhoo, my body feels weird right now. I think i ate too much, i had a lollipop and some fudge. Lard a**. Help me!!

Days Clean: 13 right?? I kinda lost count =^__^=

You're not alone- Of Mice And Men

A water pipe broke and the water's off. We're going to a hotel!! Free waffles! Anyways this is has to be short, i have to go. Update when i get there!

Currents convulsions-Pierce The Veil

So this is so late it isn't even Wednesday's blog anymore. Apparently, that achingly annoying feeling in my stomach last night wasn't hunger. It was actually my body's rejection of the food I ate that night. Needless to say, i got out of bed to drink water, and ended up vomiting into a toilet. Yay! -__-
I did NOT attend school today. Instead, i stayed in my bed and watched EVERY SINGLE YOUTUBE VIDEO MADE BY DANISNOTONFIRE EVER. It is now 1:56am and i just got out the shower... For the first time YESTERDAY. what is my life about? I got bored of my usual YouTubers(no hard feelings guys I just watched and caught myself up on all your videos and had nothing to do) and then I remembered that someone had recommended Dan and Phil to me. So I subscribed to them both and chose to check out Dan's page first. Little did I know that this was the beginning of the end. I told myself about 100 times to take a break and go take a shower and write out this blog, but OH NO! My body WAS NOT having it! I wouldn't let myself get up until I finished watching all one hundred and eight videos. So you now see where my priorities lie. I could've spent that time unsubmiting my paper and ACTUALLY REREADING IT(the one thing I ALWAYS forget to do) so I can get the best possible grade. Or start reading The Scarlet letter so that I can have read enough books to do this senior thesis crap. But NO. i decided to take my sick day and binge watch Dan Howell. I need some MAJOUR LIFE CHANGES. to top it all off, he's British. So now i am STUCK with half a British accent on account of him being the only voice I've heard all day other than my own laughter. Complete rubbish(see what I did there). Anywho, I've got to get to bed because I HAVE TO GET UP IN FOUR HOURS!!!!!!!! seriously, what is wrong with me?

Days clean: 11 I think?? I kind of can't remember anything but the videos I've just watched. *sigh* smh fml wth wtf omg dtfl lawl =__= *sigh*

Cold- Static X

This is my average time getting into bed now. I just gotta remember that it's all worth it. Today was a pretty good day. I finished my budget paper and turned it in. I forgot some things in the budget planner part(cleaning tools, etc) so i will have to resubmit that. He should really get on Google Classroom, it's so much easier and convenient. I am starving right now. I already ate dinner though. Ugh I'm so fat I wish i could never eat again. Those girls and guys are so strong to do that. I've gone down to eating two small meals a day(a sandwich and a little bit of dinner) but my body isn't used to this yet. I've compensated with water, which is great. Soon I'll only eat once, and then not at all. I hate being fat. I haven't started looking for prom dresses. I really want to go somewhere else. Like New York. Oh, how great that would be. Or just hop on a MegaBus going anywhere and just go. No clothes, no hotel, just money in my pocket. That would be fun. I gotta get outta here. It gets darker every day. I'm starting to forget how to leave. Brody broke her promise, but it's okie because I did too once, so we're even. She was being bullied and she cut the words they said into her leg. I hate that they control her like that. Control us like that. She's worth more than she'll ever know. I can't wait to go.

Days Clean?? 10 !!!!!!!!! I did it ! ^___^

Playing God - Paramore

Funny day today. These Hoes Out There. Anyways, I'm being forced to go to prom. They say they understand me and pay attention to my feelings, but its obvious that they don't. One moment I'm excited for prom and I want a yearbook from a school I hate and don't know half the people here, and the next thing you know I don't want to go anywhere they will be even if I've always wanted to go and dreamt about it for years? Its very obvious that people that hurt me will be there and it's the last thing i want. No one gets me. Kellin does though. That's sad. The only people that understand exactly how i feel are people that don't even know I exist. People that know what it's like to feel like me, and can tell me how to live like this and survive, don't even know my name. Kellin Quinn is an angel. The rest of them are too, but he's the only one that has been in the same situation I've been in. Not this one, the lifelong one. He helps me. He knows me. He is me. I wish we could meet. I'd tell him everything, like we're friends. I'd probably start crying on his shoulder and blurt out all of my problems to him like a blabbering fool. He'd know what to say though. He always does. I think my favourite lyric is going to change soon, which is good. Right now it's "if you look in the mirror and don't like what you see, you can find out first hand what its like to be me." . its from My Chemical Romance's song The End. Great song. But i heard something the other day that stuck. It might be my new favourite. Funny how prom turned into all this (insert crying laughing emoji here). Anywho, i have sleep to get to so yeah.

Days Clean: 9 ..... I'm getting there.

I cry alot now. They say it never helps you but it did. Ever since that contract I've cried more.

Chemical Love- Falling in Reverse

Lonely day today. Like, more than usual. I don't really have anything to say. I just felt kind of sad today. I felt like, like really bad. No known cause of it. It was just there. It was very cold though, I can say that. Funeral for Mrs. Stephenson is tomorrow morning. I'm probably gonna cry. She was a nice lady. Very nice to me as a kid (well, a younger kid) and to my dad when he was growing up. I hope it isn't open casket, those ones make me cringe. To see a dead body laying there all calm and did up. I want my body turned into a vinyl of all my favourite songs. Yes, it's possible. I saw this joke about it that was funny. The person said "I won't join the black parade, I'll become the black parade!". I thought that was hilarious. I later looked up if you could really do that, and yes. For £3000 you can have your body cremated into a vinyl of songs. I don't know the currency exchange for pounds into us dollars, but i know I'll pay more than 3k. I know that because when you buy merchandise for Bring Me The Horizon, they're stuff is on Europe. So they use pounds. One sweater for them is £25 and for us its like $44. I'm fine with it though. I think that's a better way of using my body than wasting it on weird that'll rot underground. The only question is who will get the record after the funeral. Of course its going to get played at the funeral, but after that, who do i give it to? My husband will probably get it, if he isn't dead already. Anyways, I've been rambling so I'll just stop here. Last note: it never ends, it just postpones.

Days Clean: ..... Drumroll please................................................................... ……………………………………………………………… 6 !!!!! I made it through the night ! Yay me ^__^

Rebel Yell(Cover)- Black Veil Brides

Not a good day. I do exist. I matter. I belong. Right?

She can't hurt him like that. Not if i have anything to say about it.

It's going to be a long, dark night. Lets see if I can make it through this time.

Days Clean: TBA

Go go go- Sleeping with Sirens

Snow snow snow!! I love snow. It gave me time to get some real research done for my papers. Those dumb things. I got my parents to buy me a chromebook, but they say I have to earn it. SO, in order to get it on graduation, I have to clean the whole house by myself until then. Which isn't much. It's worth it to me. Tomorrow will be one of the most DEPRESSING days of my life. PIERCE THE VEIL AND SLEEPING WITH SIRENS WILL BE PERFORMING AT THE FILMORE IN SILVER SPRING AND I CAN'T GO!!! Tears will be spread tomorrow, serious tears.

Days Clean : 3 !

New perspective-Panic At The Disco

Sooooo I ate cake today. Yay! Good day

Days clean: 1 (starting over)

The bomb dot com - Sleeping With Sirens

Im at Ricki's house !!!!! Oh my God what a week. WHAT A DAY?!? One of the lady's that has known me since before birth, died. She died this morning. It was sad to hear. My dad was like " I wasn't ready for her to die". I wasn't either. I've been waiting all week for this day. I'm so happy to be here. I can be free. My scars hurt.

Days Clean: 0 :'( im sorry.

Miles away- Memphis May Fire

So, I got a call today. Mary Baldwin College accepted me. There's a college out there that wants me. My dumb, suicidal, self-harming self. They want to teach me to educate children. They're some crazy people. I'm glad they are. This week, has been, the best week of my life. How can this week go this well? All this. A good Monday, two hour delay and i got to see Ms. Marisa, i got ACCEPTED into a COLLEGE, and now tomorrow i get to be with Ricki this ENTIRE WEEKEND. Next week will probably be the worst week of my life. But for now, I'll be glad for this good week.

God, if you are above... -Falling In Reverse

Two days down, two to go!

Okay day today. Talked to my therapist lady about all the times i tried to off myself. It was hard, but i managed. She also realized how much promises mean to me. I get the feeling that tomorrow will be a trying day. I hope i don't break my word. I shouldn't.

Days Clean:6 !!!

Shadow Moses-Bring Me The Horizon

All I have to do is make it to Thursday and I'll be fine. One day down, 3 to go.

Days Clean: 5 ��

I miss my brother. Come home soon? I love you forever..

Shadow Moses-Bring Me The Horizon

All I have to do is make it to Thursday and I'll be fine. One day down, 3 to go.

Days Clean: 5 ��

I miss my brother. Come home soon? I love you forever..

Dead Walker Texas Ranger-Sleeping With Sirens

Walking Dead. That show, pulls at my fucking heartstrings.

They killed Tyreese.

The Black Parade-My Chemical Romance

Not a good day. I guess i really wanted to talk to someone today. But i didn't wanna intrude in on Ms.Marissa's life like that. She was probably busy anyways. If it weren't for the contract, I would've cut. But I take promises seriously and I am trying to get better. I got out of this dark place before, I know I can do it again. I'm not very good at small talk, i recently realized. Anyways, I know I'm getting better because I've started thinking about flushing my blades. I'm not quite there yet, but I've thought about it. That's a step. I really wanted to cut today. I was ready too. But when i looked at the back of my phone, almost seeing the razor, like i had xray vision or something, i knew i couldn't go back on my word. At least not on the first day. I had to stay strong for me. And for her. For Keri.

No Ordinary Love- Memphis May Fire

So considering the fact that I tried to kill myself last night( yes i shoved countless pills down my throat. No it obviously did not work, ugh) I've decided that maybe therapy isn't that bad. Her name is Marissa and she likes bands too. She really likes Bruce Springsteen. He's cool. She told me to check out Weezer, and I recommended Pierce The Veil. She made me sign a contract saying that I won't self harm anymore or try to commit suicide. Also that I'll eat because starving myself is not healthy. This might be the biggest mistake of my life, but after passing out in my room last night, thinking that ending it all was the only option, i need some help. Maybe one day I'll be fixed.

.........

Is this goodbye? I don't know, but the damage is done. So I'll see you tomorrow, or in hell.

Not the American Average- Asking Alexandria

I cried myself to sleep in class today....yeah that really happened. I saw something i really didn't need to see and it stirred up some stuff. I tried to hold them in the other class, but they started pouring out. No one cares for me though so they didn't notice. But when i got to the next class I covered my head, turned up my headphones as loud as I could, and then I started crying. It wasn't my plan, it just happened. No one answered my texts so there was no one to talk to. But then again that's expected, no ones there for me. I'm all alone in this. Keri told me about a therapy hotline i could call. Maybe I'll do it. But then I'll be telling a random stranger every day my problems. It might not even be the same person. Bring on the feelings of abandonment and being forgotten. I don't know. If I do it, you'll know tomorrow.

*new scars. Days clean-0*

The End-My Chemical Romance

Oops, I found them. Be careful what you wish for...

Shadow Moses- Bring me the Horizon

I wanna cry, but the tears won't come out.

Shadow Moses- Bring me the Horizon

I wanna cry, but the tears won't come out.

Sky Under The Sea- Pierce The Veil

So she did try to off herself, but as we all know, Prozac doesn't kill you. Soooo she banged her head on the wall and threw up. she's got a concision and a neck brace. She also has to go to a mental facility tomorrow. I'm just happy she's alive.

Can you feel my heart- Bring Me The Horizon

So, one of my friends was seriously considering suicide tonight, but i wasn't there to help. I had to make dinner. LUCKILY, she decided to call those phone lines everyone always tells you to call. She ended up staying. Which is great, but now i feel like shit. She needed me, and i wasn't there. What if this happens again, and i lose her, I'll be devastated. Gets me thinking about when i took all those pills the week before. I called Ricki and he helped me. I had to force myself to throw up because Ricki talked me out of it. I'm grateful that Ricki was there for me. Now it's my turn to be there. I promise I'll drop everything for her. My phone is not going in my pocket ever again.

Come one, come all- All Time Low

No ID = I.S.S
Eh. At least I'm alone. I need to do my nails today. but my black is sticky. I used to do all bright and colourful colours, now all I want is black. Black is awesome, Red is cool too. But BLACK, oh man black is the best colour created. I had a dream last night that I was a freshmen at St. John's university. I would love that so very much. Not too far, not too close. Good fun school. Nice Red color (lol). If I would want ANY dream to become reality, that would be the one.

Chelsea's Secret- Bring Me The Horizon

Sooooo yeahh. New scarzzs. I really need an ID. I miss DC. I started talking to Alex Figaro again. We haven't seen each other let alone talk in about 3 years. He's usually off the grid. I miss him. He's leaving for basic training in August and he says he wants me to come see him before then. I definitely plan on it.

Herro

Oops... Missed some days. Nothing much happened really. Didn't get to spend my hot cash. Life. I had the craziest dream about Jenifer Lopez and Iggy Alazea though.... Don't ask.

RIP MCR

I saw something today that i liked. I liked it so much i had to write it down. I don't know who the guy was, but this is what he said.
"At some point, this all ends."
I wrote it in my journal (bet ya didn't think i had one of those huh?), but i added something. I added "at some point, this all ends. So hold on please."
Today was a good day. :)

Yay

It was my birthday yesterday. I'm legal now. Yay! Too bad I look so young huh?? At least I can buy fireworks now.

Oh no.

I tried to do something bad yesterday. Thank God for PJ. I tried to do another bad thing yesterday too, but i guess it didn't work. So i guess I'm crazy?

Hmm

I had an actual conversation with Enoch today in the library. About Stuff. Like Hamlet. Huh. Today was a good day. All smiles, no tears. No cuts. Hopefully I get to have more of these again.

Sorry

I just realized, these blogs have gone really down hill since I've stopped pretending to be happy when i wasn't. Today was an okay day. Saw David Lake today, that was nice. He's coming to Symone's basketball game tomorrow as well. I added the new scars to my body just a minute ago. These ones hurt more. They're deeper than usual. I'm never going to be able to wear shorts again. I guess it's for the best. King keeps sending me messages doing and saying things we did when we were together. Like when one person says bye the other goes "noo don't go!". But when he did it today i didn't reply back. He said he was hurt because i actually let him leave. I told him it doesn't work like that anymore. He'll get the picture one day. It'll never be the same. I can't go back to how things used to be either. Its just, different now.

Zzz

I slept a lot today. That's all I can think of saying right now.

I'm here.

I'm still alive. Not done yet. I stayed home yesterday, didn't wanna see anyone. I watched interviews on my favorite bands and stuff. It was nice. My party's tomorrow. Not that excited. I'm watching my favorite movie right now, Beautiful Creatures.

Dreams

I feel it the most here. The loneliness. The pain. Im reading this story and in it they say when you're alive you're sleep, and when you die you wake up. Maybe i need to wake up. Stop sleeping and get rid of this nightmare we call life. I've found no reason to hide anymore. That smile won't conjure up.

Dreams

I feel it the most here. The loneliness. The pain. Im reading this story and in it they say when you're alive you're sleep, and when you die you wake up. Maybe i need to wake up. Stop sleeping and get rid of this nightmare we call life. I've found no reason to hide anymore. That smile won't conjure up.

I started writing again. Sheet music, lyrics, words. It's calming. I missed it to be honest. I made a friend today. She likes bands like me. She's also anorexic like me. Oh yeah, i found out I'm "suffering" from anorexia. I self starve. I don't mean to, its just that i don't want to eat. Even if my stomach is punching me, begging for food. I feel like sometime soon someone's going to try to "help me". Well I'm fine. I've been like this forever, I just suppress it. Well not anymore. I can't keep these things in. I can fake the smile for people, but not myself.

"Conversations with a knife mean more than I've ever had with you"

I wore my new Pierce the veil shirt today. Loved it! It fits so well. Today i was thinking of King for a little, and i didn't get sad or miss him. I cut myself last night. The pain felt good. As i ran my fingers through my cuts i renumbered how sweet it feels, the pain that is.  It feels, like I'm not alone. Only few people know I'm cutting again (they didn't even know i had ever done it). i stopped before so surely i can stop again, but i don't think i want to. I love hurting myself. I feel alive.

"Oops"

I need someone to talk to. I can't keep these things in any longer. Im cutting again.

Happy New Year

I'm feeling much better. I'm turning 18 this month!! And i graduate this month !!!