Right Now(Na Na Na)- Asking Alexandria

I really need to stop telling everything in here. I forget that this isn't some safe haven that can "help me". That someone reads this that can tell people. I can't open up. I have to keep everything the way it was before all this. Before he taught me to talk about things, because we can see where that got me. I just have to be quiet like before. I have to remember that I'm not supposed to be here. I'm here for nothing. Just stick it out for a little longer and I'll have no one to hide from, because I'll be alone then. Then everything will be fine.

Kids In The Dark- All Time Low

I played basketball with my family yesterday, almost killed me. No I mean this literally. I don't know what made it do this, but while I was playing my tonsil had swollen up so big it was touching the other side of my throat and I couldn't breathe. They finally agreed to get them removed after Spring Break. Praise Gerard. Needless to say i was very sore today. I made myself a schedule of things to do after I came home from school, and things went pretty efficiently. I ended up being 90 minutes ahead of time because we're going shopping tomorrow not today, but it is better for me to have a schedule; makes things less hectic. I went to the gym today. That was fun. I'm gonna take advantage of the time and get some sleep so that maybe I won't be tired when I wake up for once ! So here ya go: "Well I never thought you'd stay, but that's okay. I hope he takes your filthy heart and then he throws you away some day"
~SWS

Days Clean: 21 !!!!!!!!! I'm so proud of me =^__^=

I don't love you, like i loved you yesterday- My Chemical Romance

So I have court tomorrow. Yay. I'm not saying anything I have freedom of speech; that includes the freedom to say NOTHING AT ALL. We're all over it so they should get over it too. He served his time, now let him go. Today was nice. I saw Miss Marissa today. I told her about all this college attention I'm not liking. She was on everyone else's side, she just wouldn't say it. I missed not seeing Briana today for lunch. I'll be alright. I called Ricki; he deleted my number. That hurts a lot, but i think that's my fault  i mean, i did kiss the dude and then realize that I'm not into trans'. I'm really sorry that it took me playing with your emotions to figure that out. Especially since we're such great friends. After he asked who it was cuz the number wasn't saved, i said it was me and hung up. Like, that really hurt. Are we not friends anymore?? What the heck did I just inadvertently ruin? UGH I HATE MYSELF. I hope this gets figured out and ends with us being friends still. Anywho I have to get up at like 5:30 so here ya go:
"How did we get here, when I used to know you so well? I think I know."
~Paramore

Days Clean: 17!?!? I'm stepping up. Keri is almost two months clean!!! Im so proud. =^__^=

The Phoenix- Fall Out Boy

I am so stressed out. I swear I'm going to have three new gray hairs by the time i graduate. I wish everyone would just shut up about college, it's really getting on my nerves. I'll be most excited about going to college so that they can finally shut up about it(lawl). Honestly, the only time I get to relax and just breathe is when I go to sleep, and I don't even get much of that! Ugh I just wish my life would end already. IN OTHER NEWS, ZAYN LEFT ONE DIRECTION!!! Oh, how I cry. This new really sucks but he just wants to be a normal 20-year old guy. I can understand that. The thing HE doesn't understand is that he's part of One Direction, he won't get to be regular for another 10 years. He might as well just stay in the group. It doesn't really matter, their 5-year contract is up this July. I'm sure they'll sign again, but still.  But they're these girls who are "cutting for Zayn" thinking it'll bring him back to the group. This pisses me off. There are people with real fucked up problems and emotional issues. First off, all he wants is to be one of us, just let the boy be happy. Second of all, you really think that cutting will bring him back? Honestly it's just going to make him upset and disappointed in you guys. It is NOT that serious. It's his life. Yes, it sucks. It sucks a lot. But it's his life so let him live it. Don't try to hurt yourself to get him to rejoin. We didn't cut for The.......MCR thing(so unspeakable) or for Mitch's death(R.I.P). Or when all those people left Panic! At The Disco and Paramore. Or when Danny left Asking Alexandria. See? We're considered the "crazy and mentality unstable people", but honestly we're the sanest people out here. Crazy Fandoms man. Welp, This girl needs her "beauty sleep" so lets end it like this: "Do you see what we've done? We're gonna make such fools of ourselves."
~Paramore

Days Clean: 16 =^__^=

You Know What They Do To Guys Like Us In Prison- My Chemical Romance

I was in the shower, and I had this while fantasy moment where Bob Bryar from MCR was my real estate agent. But that'll never happen, we live in the wrong state. Today was cool. I wasted an entire class period looking at Ronnie Radke's Instagram account. It was worth it. This ten pager is coming along well. I realized that in a way I do connect with them. In a very twisted way. My allergies are kicking my ass this spring. Pills are my best friend! This whole college thing is kind of pissing me off. Everyone cares too much. Like, please calm the fuck down you're freaking me out here. Anywho I'm tired and my phone's on 14% . that's almost death row. It's the little walk you take to death row. Or is the actual walk what they call death row? OKAY. THIS IS DEATH ROW. THE ACTUAL CUTTING THEIR HEADS OFF OR ELECTROCUTING THEM IS WHEN MY PHONE'S ON 4% !!! wtf who even cares?? (Lawl) I care about the craziest things. OH WAIT! I HAD VEGAN PEANUT BUTTER TODAY!! It was weird and milky and you have to refrigerate it. Crazy people eh? I ate some with a sandwich and it was alright. Didn't taste like regular peanut butter, but it wasn't bad. OKAY NOW I GO! BUT FIRST ...... ..... .... I leave you with this: "I've been having this dream that we could fly. So maybe if we never wake up we can see the sky."
~PTV

Days Clean: 15 ... Let's get past it this time huh??

Mama- My Chemical Romance

So all the shit I wrote deleted and I don't feel like rewriting it. Ugh so frustrating ! I REALLY need to just pass the fuck out. Goodnight.

Days Clean: 14

Fashionably late- Falling In Reverse

I hit, the fucking jackpot.

The school is in a very rural, horror movie type place. It's awesome for Halloween. The whole thing was cool. A little overwhelming, but cool. Now for the best part. I met the one. Thee one. So her name is Tia and she lives in Newport news. She had a PTV jacket(the one my friend Rolando has) and I wore my My Chem shirt. We were in different tour groups so I thought we wouldn't get to talk. But when we all went to hear the gateway(you'll learn about that later) people talk, I sat behind her. My dad, that awesome asshole, got me to talk about PTV aloud by saying that Vic sings like a girl. She turned around, complimented my shirt, and I her jacket. The rest is history. Wonderful, wonderful history. At lunch we met back up and talked more. She loves pretty much everything I do. Vinyl, photography, bands(of course), but she likes people like Frank Sinatra. It's hard to find a kid that's into Sinatra like me. When we both found out we were going here and could request to be roommates, we jumped on it. Even during the roommate questionnaire, we had all the same questions. It was magic. She's like the same person! Just white(lawl). So she's my roommate and we signed up for some of the same clubs and classes. That was the one thing I was worried about. Finding someone I could relate to and actually get along with as a roommate. Gerard sent her to me. No God please, we're still fighting right now. We exchanged information obviously so we could get even more acquainted. I'm nervous about my scars though. She doesn't look like a cutter, but then again no one knows about me. So yeah, that was the jackpot I won. I'm so happy for that. So I am officially a college student. I'm a squirrel. That's funny. Gladys the fighting squirrel? I'm gonna get used to that. Lots of hills that place has. But I need the exercise to be truthful. Well, let me get some sleep, I've got volunteering to do. Let's leave on this note: my love for you was bulletproof but you're the one who shot me.
~PTV

Days Clean: 11 =^__^=

Sleep- You Me At Six

Today was good. This has to be short because I have to get up at 4 for the college thing. Tiny Road trip ahead. Anywho my tonsil is inflamed some more because of my sinus problems with my throat and stuff(it just makes the tonsil situation worse). I had some tea today and I'll have some tomorrow morning because this morning I couldn't talk until I drank it. Then my tonsil went down some and I could talk. They should really not be lackadaisical about this and get my tonsils removed. I'm getting kind of annoyed at how excited everyone is about me going to college. Like okay I get it i have free money whoop deedoo now leave me alone please? I sound like an ass but it's how I feel. Anywho I'm going to bed now so I'll leave you with this: Too much of anything is too much.
-ATL

Days Clean: 10

Feels like forever- Of Mice And Men

Today was okay. I saw Marissa today. I realized that I don't know if she is married or not. Eh. While everyone was watching the Empire show, I was busy tweeting Austin Jones every other second. He's a great YouTuber and vocalist. I didn't eat dinner tonight or last night and I feel great. Finally my body is doing something I approve of. All I ate today was two sandwiches. I drank tons of water. That's the plan, drink so much you don't want to eat. It's also good for my body to drink all this water. Cleans out my kidneys and stuff. See, I am being healthy. Tomorrow is the last day of school for the week for me. I'm going to college acceptance preview day on Friday. I'm excited to see how it works. College, that is. It is also the last day of winter tomorrow. YAY! But there's been some speculation of snow on Friday. It better not snow. Anywho I took a pill that's making me drowsy so I'm gonna sign off on this note: If we're all made a little but broken, tell me who's to blame?

-OMaM

Days Clean: 9 =^__^=

November-Sleeping With Sirens

I'm such a gullible fuckboy. Field Trip was good. I took pictures for my friend in Minnesota. She was all excited and I'm like "umm, its not a big deal.". I often forget that people not in the DMV area don't get to see that stuff often. I did see a lion head that was really cool for some reason. That's the only picture I took for me. I felt so uncomfortable all dressed up in front of these kids. I paid off my senior dues. Now I just gotta pay that library shit. I hate myself. On a brighter note, MADNESS CAME OUT TODAY !!! OH MY GERARD THIS ALBUM IS AMAZING!! Sleeping with Sirens has really outdone themselves. I am totally, completely, in love with this album. Now we're waiting on Pierce The Veil to release this MYSTERY ALBUM !!!

Days Clean:  8

Broken Generation- Of Mice and Men

Field Trip tomorrow, whoop deedoo. Today was nice. I didn't do shit. I felt like shit, but I didn't do shit, or give a shit. I'll make up for it later I guess. That's what I'm supposed to do right? Lawl. Anywho I have no clue what I'm wearing to this thing. I've been to the supreme court before, so I really don't want to go on this trip. But i get out of school so eh, why not? I "have to" dress up. I am NOT wearing a dress in front of all these people. I'll just wear my new black skirt and a shirt or some shit. Who cares anyways? I know I don't. I wanted to see Justin tomorrow instead the trip, but he's working and I love that. I don't want to see anyone else honestly, so it looks like I'm going. Yay. King will be there I think. He should. Eh. He said hi to me last week and I said hello back. I guess we're cool now. It'll never be the same though. I'm completely fine with that. Briana always knows when I'm not happy. She's a true friend. She always says "call me before you do ANYTHING DRASTIC okay beautiful?" When we go to class after lunch. She's a great person. It was my friend Lauren's birthday today. She turned 20. She was going to have a party but all her friends cancelled on her. They didn't even tell her happy birthday. They aren't friends to me. If I lived near her, I definitely would've been there. She made a vegan cake because one of her friends are vegan and everything. They are so careless. She was really hurt but she hid it. Well, tried to anyways. She can't hide anything from me. When I can, I'm gonna see her. I'll show her what a true friend does.

Days Clean:7

This is under the table

I never get a break. No one cares about me. Im just the fucking maid. And of course, the golden child. Perfect grades, perfect attitude, responsible. The perfect example of what NOT to do. Happiness is never an option for me. It's just get the grades, smile, and behave. If little old me EVER fucks up, I'm dumb. I'm wasting my life away. I try one time and I'm just little stupid whore. I might've had a little to drink. I'm surprised they cant smell it. My mouth reeks of alcohol and Hawaiian Punch. Maybe they do smell it, and don't care. I'm going to be happy one day. I'm going to "fuck up" real soon. I'll get my chance to escape and get my break in life. I just don't care anymore honestly. School, people, life. I just want what everyone else in this house gets. An opinion. A feeling. Everyone else gets to be happy but me. My job is to make others happy,but never be happy myself. Well not anymore. I'm taking back what's mine.

This is Gospel- Panic! At The Disco

This whole "allergic to dust" thing does not help me when it comes to cleaning up. Today was an okay day. I've become friends with the cutest little gay boy ever. He's 16 and his name is Jose. He's so much fun. Today was definitely a P!ATD day. Tomorrow is Pi Day !!! Im so excited. My favourite days of the year is my birthday, May 4(may the fourth be with you lol), national code day, and Pi day. Oh my Gerard I am such a nerd. Eh, who cares? I hope I get pie tomorrow.

Days Clean: 5

Joyriding- Frnkiero Andthe Cellabration

Today was a pretty good day. I had the best sleep of my life last night. I got to talk to Justin today. I miss him alot. He's like a brother to me. He asked me how I was, and after him knowing me well enough to know when I'm lying, I told him everything. Everything. He's the only person who know every little thing that's going on. No friends know, not Ms. Marissa, not anyone here. No one but him. First Generation College Bound has a field trip Tuesday, but I'm thinking of skipping it and just hanging out with Justin since he lives closer now. I deserve a day off. I never get to breathe. I don't get an option to just relax and escape. I need it. If no one will give it to me, I'll take it.

Days Clean: 4

P.S

I'll be fine these never do anything bad. Just hard to walk is all.

Moonlight Sonata movement 3- Ludwig van Beethoven

Im not feeling too happy tonight. Don't know why. Took some pills. Just pain pills, all i could find. I took three of one and one of another because that one was running low and people would notice. Im sleepy now. Good thing I don't have a lot to clean. I ate a third of my dinner, to kick it in. So yeah I'm gonna go now, because im feeling funny and yeah. G'night.

Days clean: 3 ....... Pills don't count do they??

Free Now- Sleeping with Sirens

Pretty good day. We went shopping for groceries, i found out my grandfather has a Facebook (lawl), i got ICE CREAM, and I'm in bed at a semi reasonable time. I smell something fishy for tomorrow though. Hopefully it's nothing. Sometimes (by which I mean ALL THE TIME) I feel like I was born at the wrong time. If I were four years older, I would fit in. four years younger, I'd fit in. But where I am NOW, it's like I'm just this crazy person no one can relate to and they don't like. I like me, and that's all that matters. =^__^=

Days Clean:2 I'm gonna do it this time.

Hello Hello- Paramore

Oh my Gerard. I'm just sitting here in class reading all my old blogs. I was such a teenager(lawl). I guess that whole King thing did suck. But what do you expect when someone who constantly feels alone finally found somebody that got her to feel like she belonged somewhere, and then that person just insults you and leaves? That'll hurt anyone at any age. I was laughing at myself though. I made it seem WAY MORE serious and bad than it actually was. Drama queen. That's Disney's fault. And i totally forgot about those shoes i wanted to get him. That actually worked out for me, just didn't know it yet. Another thing, OMFF THE TYPOS!!! I really need to proofread my shit ! I'll learn one day. I hate my hair now. When i was younger and it was longer, i used to put it over my eye. I was so punk rock back then. Now I'm just punk. I miss my long hair. It wasn't that long, just to my shoulder. But I did more with it then. Plus, i like covering my face with my hair and I can't do that now. Boo. I've been thinking of adding some piercings to the list of piercings I'm planning on getting. Poor church folk won't recognize who I am when I finish myself. I want two tattoos, pierce my entire ear and plug the ones i have now, get a nose ring, a lip ring but i might upgrade that to snake bites, my eyebrow, and i think that's it. Yesterday i was walking with my mom and she told me about all the piercings she had. She was sooo punk rock and didn't even know it. She had piercings in her nails! I mean, who does that!? She's cool. Lawl =^__^=

Give 'em hell kid-My Chemical Romance

So I watched the MCR documentary and then listened to the album 'Three Cheers for Sweet Revenge' immediately afterwards. Fucking mind blowing. I felt like i was in their heads. I felt what they had felt. I experienced this album in a whole new light. It's so weird. Watching something I've watched before, and listening to something i have listened to before, they make me feel one way separate, but TOGETHER, man. And I tell you something..................Gerard Way. He has been through a lot. I'm just so proud of him for making it out alive and well. I'm also happy that everything happened at an early stage of the My Chem life. If he had went through all the drugs and alcohol in, lets say, 2008 instead of '04, it would've probably ruined the band, or made it harder for them. But he was able to tell himself that he was NOT OKAY,and get help. I look up to him because he was such a great guy AND STILL IS TO THIS DAY. I know that he wasn't the only one to go through things, but right now, he's touching my heart in a very inspiring way. It makes me want help. He makes me realize that I can't do this alone. People always say that this music kills kids, but it has done just the opposite. The other day I was about to drown myself and in the water, over all the muffled sounds, i hear Oliver Sykes sing my favourite line: I can't drown my demons they know how to swim. It's like he was literally there staring me down saying "Kareema, killing yourself won't make the voices go away, it's letting them win". I'm still here because of Bring Me The Horizon . I have hope because of Pierce The Veil. My Chemical Romance helps me see that I don't have to do this alone. Sleeping With Sirens gets me to say Fuck the world and their "perfect" view of how things should be. They aren't the only bands who've been there. They were all there when I had no one to turn to. So people who say that bands kill kids, they don't know shit. Real bands save fans, and real fans save bands.

Days clean: 1. Had an incident yesterday. And the day before. Sorry.

OH MY GOD

NO ONE ELSE IS UP RIGHT NOW SO I'LL JUST DO IT HERE.

OH MY GOD OH MY GOD OH MY GOD OH MY GOD OH MY GOD OH MY GOD !!!!!!! JOHNNIE GUILBERT FROM MY DIGITAL ESCAPE JUST COMMENTED TO ME! LITTLE OLD ME!!! OH MY FUCKING GOD I CANNOT BELIEVE THIS SHIT OH MY GOD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ME MY COMMENT HE CHOSE TO ANSWER TO OH MY GOD THIS IS UNREAL WHAT IS GOING ON RIGHT NOW!!!!!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Our Lawyer Made Us Change the name of This Song So We Wouldn't Get Sued-Fall Out Boy

I love the name of that song. Chill day today, watched vines. I feel so old because these kids out here are doing things I'm not updated on. I don't even care either. It's the end of that for me. Lawl. I did my nail FINALLY. Red. My black is sticky.

Days Clean: 3 nicka !!!

Remembering Sunday- All Time Low

I. DO. NOT. WANT.TO.GO.TO.PROM.

Days Clean: 2 *enter interrobang here*

Fences- Paramore

Apparently this whole "getting to bed on time" thing was a onetime deal. Today was okie I guess. I still have no clue on writing this thesis. None of these stories characters compare or relate to me. The only one that comes close is The Count of Monte Cristo, and that's because he does the things I think of but would never do. This paper will be complete bull shit. Let's hope I am a good enough writer to make it believable. Who knows, maybe I will actually find a way I connect to one of them. So no school tomorrow(today). If it doesn't snow I'm gonna laugh. I think it will though. Sometimes I act mature and responsible and my sisters don't like me. At first I used to be sad about that because then they wouldn't want to talk to me, but now I don't care. I'm supposed to help them stay on the right path and sometimes I have to be "mean". You'll thank me later. It doesn't help my abandonment issues though. Lawl. I often wonder how my.. Problems.. Will go in college. Will I be extra clingy (Gerard forbid)? All I know is that wherever I go, I'm going to have the time of my life, without making huge life choices that end badly. Only the good life choices.

Days Clean: 1 starting over again.

Disenchanted- My Chemical Romance

Omg I'm ACTUALLY in bed at a reasonable time !! Today was a pretty good day I guess. Despite the fact that girl things happened and I was not medicated at all in anyway, shape, or form(boo pain). I was pretty bored so I watched My Chemical Romance's "The Black Parade is Dead! Live" concert video again for the thousandth time. It's still amazing. Gerard Way is by far the sassiest person I will ever know. Maybe one day I'll meet him, and Frank, Ray and Mikey. I can promise you that I will be at their first reunion tour, no matter what. Saw my therapist today. It was nice. I really wish that I could tell her things like when I cut last night, but she said she'll tell my parents, and that's the last thing I need. At least she knows that I have cut. When we were talking, i put my elbow on my thigh and forgot about the new scars. It hurt like hell and I accidentally said "ow can't do that." Out loud, and then she gave this look. She's no idiot so I'm pretty sure she picked that up. Shoot. She shouldn't say anything. Besides, I never said it out my mouth so yeah. I have a subpoena to go to Alex's court case on the 27th to testify(I'm the only eye witness). If i go he might go to prison, and he doesn't need that. But on the other hand, if i don't show up i could arrested and lose my scholarship. I definitely don't need that. Ugh life. Dad says he isn't going(he got one too) but his final decision is on that morning. Ruth(also got one) says she going because if she gets a warrant she'll lose her government job. They said I'm old enough to make my own decision. Ugh LIFE!!!! Unicorns help me with your infinite powers!!

Days Clean: 0 ��

Lost it all- Black Veil Brides

I can hear him. I hear my dad calling me from there. He's trying to get me out of here. Out of hell, but they're pulling me. They won't let me go. I'm in too deep, there's only one way out, and that's not it.

Days Clean: 0